TDY: An open letter for Mother's day--update at end

Doc went TDY about 2 weeks ago, and when he did, I am pretty sure I build a static wall around myself of not feeling. It was only tonight, after two weeks of "down time" that I realized I had made quite a shield. I guess I am good at it. It makes me wonder if that is how I made it through the long deployment... Half dazed, half anesthetized. This is sheer speculation and a little Alaskan Amber talking here, but I wonder how many military wives and military girl friends go through the time a little numb to feeling but at the same time they are really self sufficient and great at:

a. putting other people first.
b. acting invinsible
c. tireless when it comes to helping others, and seldom asking for what they want.

Does any of this sound familiar?


I remember thinking.... in 2005, that I could be strong and "be there" no matter what. Of course the "no matter what" was such an unknown thing. In a way, how could I think otherwise? I was pretty naive....


It's hard to believe, but May 5th was our 2 year anniversary of getting together and neither of us mentioned it. I am not sure if we even spoke on the phone. I think we have known each other now for 7 years now....

The thing is, that with great risk comes great things... sometimes it is too much. If the only thing I had to worry about was Doc, it would be one thing, but my life has had its own twists and turns lately, and what can I do except try to cope? I have work, kids, a house payment, goals, and all are really important. It's quite complex.

I think it is hard to be true to yourself when things are bigger than you. To me, PTSD is bigger than I am, but right now, I need to be quiet in a garden reflecting on healing. It's a really strange time.....

With all that said, the couples struggling with deployment are going through their own crisis, and the thing about war is, when the tour of duty is over, for many of us, all the real battles have just begun. Just the battle of the VA was epic! The struggle to figure it out the survivor's guilt is another dimension. My speculation is that being Air Force or Navy is scary, but just not the same as air assault infantry or any of the Marine troops whose main job is to daily engage the enemy. Every job is important, every job, but I believe the Infantry medic type job is a recipe for great satisfaction and great mental burden.

When Doc came back he had tremendous survivors guilt, which occurs with every war, but this war's anonymity of IEDs really makes for a mind **** on guilt. I mean," if you were in one seat of the hummvee, then moved, and a bomb blew, it was meant for you,...... You should have died right?" That's survivor's guilt and it really sucks. The reason I was able to deflect it like teflon was my own experience. My twin sister died when I was a baby and I grew up with a heavy case of survivor's guilt. When I was going through it, I had no perspective on it and could only feel the burden. As I got counseling and spoke to someone who could help me name it and deal with it, I was able to put it away and learn that none of it was my fault. It just is.

It just is. I think "it just is" is a hard concept to grasp when society is always trying to make connections for us when there are none. For many people, "it was meant to be" serves the same purpose of perspective, but I find purer understanding in "it just is" and it isn't anyone's fault....let it go-

I think my own situation gave me the grace and strength to see Doc through his.

One thing I have learned is that things don't make sense, and trying to make sense out of them is like forcing puzzle pieces together from different puzzles. It can be done, but it isn't right. It is best to let it go. Let it go.

A place of strength isn't always a place of combat and engagement. It's hard to learn that sometimes being quiet, settled, peaceful about just being is the greatest place of strength. I think there are many faces of support, but one has to support the self too. Maybe it's like the oxygen masks on a plane. You have to put your own on in order to help others.

Anyway, be strong ladies, be strong because your life and other lives depend on it. Be strong and Happy Mother's day.
Godspeed!

Jesse--
5/14/07- He's back, looks great and has a new tattoo. I will post pics if he doesn't mind!

Two Weeks Ago...

Two weeks ago my husband left once again. We have only been married for 8 months and he is once again gone. When I wrote my original piece for the book he was on his first Westpac Deployment and we were only engaged. This time we are married and have spent the last 7 1/2 months in complete bliss together while he attended C-School to become a Super Welder.

He left on April 19th to go to Japan. He will be there for 5 weeks of indoctrination and then he will be out for deployment once again, this time for 8 months. I'm home with my parents this time. I truly had no desire to be alone in Japan for that long. While I am excited to go eventually, it is something I want to experience with him.

I'm not as happy as I was last month, thats a given. But my family has made every effort to make me feel comfortable and at home. My parents even remodeled my room, which turned out beautiful. I'm grateful for everything they have done. Even my grandmother got me a teddy bear that is dressed as a sailor to be my stand in "Jay." She always thinks of something.

Right now all we have is email because he doesn't have an address. This will also make it impossible to send him a birthday gift which will be in a few weeks. It will also be his 3rd birthday away from home, and his 3rd summer away from me.

Although it isn't very positive, this is my update. This is where my life is right now.

Here Kitty-kitty

My cat was missing.

OK, DOC DOESN'T REALLY LIKE CATS, but my 26 toed cat, Yetti had been missing for a few weeks and we were all a little concerned. She's a basic tabby, but instead of stripes, she has bobcat spots and enormous feet due to her polydactyl nature. My daughter saw her gaunt form out by the trash cans. When she approached her, she loped away in a lopsided gait created by her collar that wrapped under one arm and around her neck. There was no way to know how long she had been caught somewhere by the collar or what had occured to have it slipall the way under one arm. I went out with the last can of catfood and a little patience. She was so light I think she lost half of her body weight on her little field trip.
"Yetti"
""meow"
At first I just tried to pull it over her head, but she growled fiercely when I tried. I turned her over to examine her and found a large wound under her arm and the collar was imbedded into her. There was no way to know how deep, how much pus, or anything. I just wanted scissors to cut the thing off. I thought it would be that easy. Part of the collar was scabbed over and oozy. It really stunk!
We fed her, Doc got his medic bag, and my daughter started calling UC Davis Emergency Vet Center.
I held her so as to control her claws and jaw. Doc opened two bags of saline and flushed the wound-collar site.
He used a scalpel to cut it away from her skin. We rinsed and rinsed and the stink made me gag. We turned her over, lifted her arm to see the damage and the entire underarm all the way to the neck was completely sawed through by the collar. You could see all the muscle. Anyway, the medic saved the day. He wanted to debride and suture her, but there was no way I was holding the kitty for that torture. I took her to the vet, they sedated her cleaned out the necrotic tissue and stiched her up. She is now in a dog crate in my room. I am glad Doc is home and Yetti too.

Peet's and an Oakland PS

Peet's was a blast, even though it was a slow night we still sold many books and had great conversations with people. Some military people that have served in Somalia, Iraq, Afghanistan and even Vietnam came out. One nice lady has her son over in the sand box for the 3rd deployment. She really had a great perspective on it. She said her son signed up and is proud to serve and she is proud to be his mom. When he goes to work it is just like going to work in Oakland. I guess that is bad for the people that live in Oakland, but what she meant is that life happens. It's hard on people, but a good attitude makes the difference. For me, I learn from everyone that stops to talk to me. Last night I learned that some people are poised and gentle at all times and I hope to be more like that. Some people have had intense military experiences and they are ok, it took time, but they are ok. My family came out and helped too, which was fantastic. I feel very grateful.

OOOOPS_ Bad to slam Oakland..... For the first time EVER, I have to be in Oakland in the morning for an appointment... and the bridge melts.... Arrgh- It's too early to take the Capital Corridor train, and impossible to get the BART. If you have ever been down there.... I 80 to 580 is the direct route, and it's melted! OK, sorry Bay Area! J

Parties and Veteran Students

I posted a link to an article about Veteran's returning and going to college with that fancy GI Bill! If you have anyone around you that is a veteran, recently returned etc.. Please read it. Here's my brief story. My guy came back and was on fire to go to school. He started classes 3 weeks after getting home. I thought it was too soon, he could hardly wait! It went bad fast.. First, he was in pain, second, he couldn't remember when to go. Third, and worst of all, he had a political science teacher that would not shut up about how useless the war was. Hey, say that to a Purple Heart Veteran that has had to bury friends, who is trying to get a life back, one who would love to ambush you rather than listen to you... He dropped the class. The other class, Algebra...the math teacher wrote in red on the board, was too lazy to get an eraser and instead erased his equations with his hand then proudly showed that to the class, "hey, it looks like blood." It didn't go over well for my medic man. Who had already seen too much blood and blown up bodies. It had been three weeks since he patrolled the streets of Baghdad. He came home with his own injuries...
Veteran's are all different, especially in this nutty war... A supply clerk is likely to engage the enemy.... However, the Infantry, the SEALS, the absolute war PITBULLS of patrol, they have a longer way to go to get back to "Calm Labrador Retriever" status. OK, not maligning dogs here or Screaming Eagles, just mentioning that experiences are different. What if we put together an inservice for colleges on how to incorporate the veteran into classes. Please read that MSNBC article...It's long, but good.

Second- The Bombshells Party! Pretty Women, good books and fund raising for Soldiers! Please read the Bombshell Party entry and send me your great comments. In the meantime..
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2487638612433437293&q=Veterans
A heart warming video for the Veteran SOUL! or click this link! Party on! Click the heading to go to the link--

STUDENT VETERANS

Spring 2007 - The lanky University of Wisconsin-Madison sophomore was searching for the keg when another partygoer spotted him.

Student Veterans- from MSNBC Click title to access whole article

“Everybody, this is Jake Warner,” he announced. “Jake was in the Marines and he’s been to Iraq,” he continued, his voice rising.

Oh shit, here it comes; Warner groaned.

“He’s killed people before!”

Warner’s smile evaporated. “Thanks,” he grumbled. “Thanks for that introduction.” But the damage had been done. His camouflage of anonymity, of normalcy was gone—he could no longer pass as a physics geek. He was the killing machine. He was the Marine.

This wasn’t exactly the picture of college life Warner had dreamed up—and for most war veterans, college never is. It’s not that they face the rabidly anti-soldier environment that Vietnam veterans did, but the transition from soldier—or airman or sailor or Marine—to student can be a strange and lonely trip any way you cut it. While some veterans want people to buy them beer and thank them for their great service to the country, most just want to feel normal. College is a chance for them to start over, to start fresh—but putting the war behind them is a complicated process,

(Click title to access link to whole article)

Bombshell Party

I had this idea to have a celebration at the pub where my guy and I first started to "get together." The pub is special to me, I just love the place. I figured I would put a few fliers up and sell books. I wanted to make some money for Fisher House and Soldier's Angels, so I came up with an idea... Missy sent me some Bombshell dog tags... I bought party favor tins, silk rosepetals and made little special tag tins to sell. I sold them for 5 bucks, although they sure could have gone higher, and I sold a book and a tin for 15.00, that way money could go to both Fisher House and Soldier's Angels. BRILLIANT! Well, I wanted to raffle something, but didn't know how to do it. My friend Kaycee made raffle tickets and she let me know that when people fill out names, you collect their address if you want to do a mailing list. (hmmm, didn't think of that). I raffled off a thong that has the pink grenade and the words "Sergeant Major" printed on it. You can find the link to that site at the Bombshelter made page or look to my cafepress link on this site. Also, Although I didn't do it last night, I was offered to collect a dollar a song for a charity on Karaoke night. She suggested doing a 50:50 raffle, that way you don't have to start with a seed item and you still get to collect money for charity! WOW, I just never thought I could do something so simple and fun and help others at the same time!

There were a lot off ideas swimming in my head and I wanted to make money for charity, raise awareness about the homefront and sell 'Bombshells' books. Guess what! We should all be having those parties. It was so much fun! I did it in a bar, but could have been a church social. It could have just as easily been at a house party or a farmer's market. I could really see it happening at churches.... without the thong of course-
People came over and talked about their military backgrounds and it made for thought provoking conversations! One guy was being deployed in two weeks. It was great for non military people to hear from military people, not to talk politics, but to hear humanity. It was great.... A book party that raises awareness about the homefront and raises cash for Fisher House and Soldier's Angels. WOW, it was great. I am doing another one at Peet's Coffee in Vacaville this Wednesday from 5-8.
Peet's is giving a free drink if you come in between those hours! WOW